It is okay to feel and cry!

 I have always finished each child's baby blanket before they were born. In fact 3 of the blankets I had finished in high school while Josh and I were dating

Hours before Treyten decided to be born, I was almost done with his. It just needed a few more rows on the border and it was done. It has haunted me for the past 5 years as it sat in my crochet bag in our front room. I planned on doing it so many times and then would be mad at myself each birthday that passed of his that it wasn't done yet, especially because it wouldn't take that long to finish it. I had so many excuses as to why I didn't have time to finish it but in reality it wasn't the truth.

I was resisting it for a reason but wasn't sure what. Even though I was angry at myself for not doing it before, and so sad that he didn't have a baby picture on his blanket like the rest of the kids, as I finally sat down to finish the blanket last night, I burst into tears and I finally consciously was aware of why I had resisted it so long.

I looked to my left and right(pictured) last night as I got the blanket out, seeing the kids playing, reading and so grown up. The spot I was sitting, although a different couch, immediately hit me with strong feelings and a memory. It was the same spot I remember sitting when I first started the blanket. Aftynn and Brixton were talking to Treyten in my belly, Mylee and Landon were dancing and we were waiting for

Josh

to come home from work. Everything was fine. Then as most of you know, Josh became disabled a few months before Treyten was born.

So I sat and cried with all I was remembering and feeling. Josh came in to see what was wrong as Mylee was hugging me telling me that whatever it was it was going to be okay, while Brixton said "Daddy I think she is crying about the blanket". I then explained to them what I was feeling and remembering.

I cried because I was feeling anger and bitterness about how life was before, how quickly it changed, and how unfair it feels that Josh is still in pain and if he will ever feel better. Cried from the panic I was feeling again from the trauma and hurt, cried that It took me 5 years to finally finish the blanket and because I took so long to finish it, I didn't have a picture of baby Treyten on the blanket like I had with the rest of the babies. I cried that our baby is now 5 years old and wondered if I will ever make another baby blanket again, and then cried while I looked at the kids seeing how fast time has gone by, yet those memories of those tiny babies dancing and babbling seem like just yesterday.

It is fascinating to me still how so many emotions and memories can come up with just one item. The things we are holding onto that we don't consciously realize, and how amazing it is to cry and feel what comes up to let it out. It was long overdue.

Anyways, I just wanted to share and also document that the blanket is now finally done. The last 2 rows that took me 5 dang years to do, is now complete and I will be taking a picture of Treyten on it :)