I deeply understand

I came across this picture last night from August 2016 and seeing this picture brought up a lot of emotions/feelings for me.

The first thing I noticed was that it was the same exact outfit as the before picture I usually show from Jan 2017 when I started my healing journey.

I remembered the embarrassment that it was the only thing that I had to wear for so long and anytime I had to go anywhere it was my go to outfit. We hardly had a penny to our name and I was only getting bigger so there was no point in buying new clothes even if I could have at that moment in time. 

The next thing I remembered looking at this picture, was the hatred I had for my body because I was doing all the "right" things but these size 22 pants were barely held together with a hair tie because they could no longer button, let alone even zip!

I remembered that sadness and shame that even my extra large maternity pants wouldn't go up past my thighs. 

And no, I was not pregnant at this time.

My youngest was born May 2014

2+ years BEFORE this picture on the left

Then looking at this picture brought up shock.

I then put it side by side with a picture I had taken last week and was even more shocked.

I can see why some don't believe what I did and continue to do.

I can see why some haven't believed that I didn't get surgery or any skin treatment.

I can see why it triggers people because it would have triggered the hell out of me seeing this when I was struggling and only gaining weight.

Also shocked and angry about all the times the past 2 years people have seen me small and tell me I don't understand their struggle with money, their body/weight, etc. when they have no damn idea how much I deeply understand. 

But, the shock was also in amazement!

It amazes me that in such a short amount of time, so much has changed in my life.

The healing and what I have had to work through of course has been heavy and hard to look at and go through, but it was and continues to be so worth it!

I don't care anymore if it battles others cognitive dissonance and they don't believe me.

I know what I did and I know the hours and hours I spent crying and doing the raw and deep healing.

I know the truth even if others don't believe what I did for whatever reason.
And even if others don't think its possible for them, I know its possible for others because it was possible for me.

Looking at this side by side also brings up so much excitement and gratitude.

I am so damn proud of my body for everything she was carrying for so long and so proud of myself for not giving up and continuing to do the inner work when it went against everyone and everything.

It honestly is fucking amazing and I am so damn proud!